I'm scared
4:25 a.m. - 2004-11-10
I have been sitting here for hours just thinking. I miss school. I know that is weird, but I miss having some place to go and know that I have some goals and purpose for myself. I mean I like my job ok, but there has to be more then just being a mother to a bunch of crazy kids and a soon to be ex-wife. I feel like I am losing me some where in the process of life. I don't like this feeling. I counted a million things that I have done this week for everyone else. I don't mind doing those things, no not at all. I love them, I love being a mom. I am just tired and confused.
I'm sick again. I saw the Dr the other day. He got my test results back. He has decided not to persue surgery of my gall bladder removal until he finds a hospital that can deal with the whole package. I think I knew this was happening and trying to avoid facing it. I don't want to be sick again. No one does. But this time, I'm scared. I don't know why I am but I am. I shouldn't be. I reconciled this battle once before and was fine. Theres just something different about it this time. I haven't told anyone yet. I only said that my Dr wants me to go to a different hospital for the surgery. I didn't talk about it last time, for a very long time. I had treatments alone and made excuses for side effects to a new medication. It worked for a while. I don't think they will buy it again. My family and friends were pretty pissed that I left them out of the whole thing until the end when I was having surgery. So I figure no one really reads anything I say here, I can talk about it here. My guestbook doesn't work and I rarely check my e-mail anymore, at least the e-mail I have on this page. So this is for now my secret place to get it out.
I can't sleep anymore. I never had a easy time sleeping to start with but its worse now. My mind wont turn off.
I hate being scared.
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