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I just want the whole thing to stop. Today I was honestly grateful that I don't own a handgun. I could see clearly how a person could pick one up and simply pull the trigger. Yes, I was that stressed. That upset, that fustrated, it is easy too lose sight. I have no money, when I say none, I mean none. I need to purchase things like food for these kids. Not to mention various items of hoousehold use. I am going to ask my Mother in Law for a loan of $100 til next month. Lets hope she has it. Heather started her first period today. Which made her absolutely hysterical. I wasn't far behind her. Steve gave me a hard time most the day over every little thing you could imagine. There just seemed to be no end to this stream of stress. No relief, nothing positive. There must have been a million little things that happened along the way today too. Like the dollar store closin its door in my face 10 minutes early. Refusing to allow me to run in and use the remainder of the cash I did have to buy Heather pads. So I had to turn around and go to the grocery store which is way more expensive. Lisa is not feeling well and quite cranky. Heather is all sorts of confused and scared. Joshua was just his normal quiet self, My Maternal unit is barely speaking to me and I feel like everything I touch is destined to fail. I'm tired and fustrated. I am so tired of having to figure this out on my own. I am tired of it never being good enough. I am tired of life. I miss the baby, I am tired of Jamie deciding that instead of taking care of my daughter , his wife and the baby that he should persue a career in Nashville as a country western singer ( he cant play the guitar and he has a terrible voice even for a country singer), I am tired of worrying about them. I feel beat and alone. Rode hard and put up wet. I just wanna know what the fuck I did so wrong in a past life? |