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I'm in over my head I am in over my head, and I know it. Sink, swim or float, I seem to be doing the best at sinking. And I do not know wtf to do about it. I know only two things for certain, 1. I'm in over my head and 2. The longer I go on trying not to give a damn about it, the more I am in over my head. Bleh. I hate men. I should change teams. And I might if it werent for the fact I cant deal any better with pms, bitchiness and sudden eratic mood swings in another person. Well yea that and unless it is Angeline Jolie or Faith Hill, I have no attraction to women. Hmpf. Then again that small point didn't stop me from marrying Steve, who was as far from my type as one could possibly get. And the other hand look what a marvelous life devasting decision that turned out to be! I have been home alone since friday. Very strange having evenings all to myself here. I like it a lot as far as privacy and peace and quiet goes. Yet, my soul aches for my babies. I wander in their rooms when they are not here befre I go to bed and look at the empty beds. I mumble soft plea's to God to keep them safe and I am filled with an odd sense of emptiness. I figured out that no matter what I learn in school or in life, the only thing I really know how to be is their Mother. I know how to take care of them, I know how to read my childrens moods, their needs. I love them so much that it doesn't feel right if they are not asleep in their beds late at night , here. I don't hold them back because I know this is a process for them, over time to become independant of me and dependant of themselves. But what I didn't realize til now is that it is also a process for me. To let them go, to learn to accept that they are growing up. I finally spoke to Jen today. She called upset because of a dream she keeps having. She wanted me to interpet it for her. The dream had me in it. She is lost in her dream in a haunted house, and I am on another floor in this house. And ghosts are terrifying her and she is screaming to me to come help her. I dont answer. Ever. But she knows I can hear her and I am in this house too. It made me laugh because if you put aside the metaphors that the dream is representing a moment, I will say the reason I would not answer is because unless it was friendly ghosts, she only thought I was there when in fact, I dipped. This girl aint saving no one that hasnt literally come from my body when in that situation. Everyones on their own and I can run faster scared then most mad. I think I know what her dream represents but thankfully Amy called and interupted the call before I told Jen. |