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Ma'am read the clues. I am not usually the morning person around these or any parts. Seems that this morning is a different matter though. I awoke for no apparent reason at 5:55 a.m, after only about 3.5 hours of sleep for the evening. It's freezing in here but yet I ventured out of bed anyway. Very strange if you ask me. I wish I remembered what I dreamt about, that might explain to me why in the fuck I am awake! Late last night I played cards with Lisa. We had fun, and I noticed something important.So many times she could have 'gone out' or won and she chose not too. I was reminded of how when she and her siblings were small and I would play games with them and let them win. The reasoning I had for this was to build their sense of self esteem to encourage them that life can be managed even though it were just games. It is amazing what a childs victorious smile can achieve to the maternal heart. But I am not a child so I asked her why. She rathered we spent time together rather then competition. She is wise beyond her years. It was then I got the clue. She wanted to be close and needed to talk. She wanted to talk about this whole Byron break-up thing. Which was about the last subject I wanted to approach with anyone. I listened to her thoughts on the whole matter, which were nothing less then confusing. It befuddles her as to how she can love someone so much (me) and how someone else can't, won't or doesn't. I tried to explain that it wasn't a question of that but I don't think I did a convincing job but I did an outstanding job of finding every excuse under the sun as to why the relationship would never have made it in the long run. She seemed sated and not angry with anyone when the conversation was done. I was proud of that , at least for a fleeting moment. Then when she proclaimed that she is not only never having children but she now never wants to get married either! She claims she does not have the patience nor the where with all to deal with a man. I would have argued that point, tried to tell her how wonderful the right relationship is etc and so forth, but the fact is, at the moment I think she is incredibly smart and in the very least much smarter then I. I pushed him out of my thoughts again, and wondered when that process would get easier. It will get easier and I will believe all those things I told Lisa. Things like how the age difference really does tend to make a difference. Things about how hard maintaining a regular relationship is muchless a long distance one. Things that place no blame on either of us but are just factual statements. I'd just be grateful if this hurt would subside a bit though. And everytime we have communicated since he has felt the need to express in some way how much this is for the better, which leaves me feeling like he never wanted our relationship to begin with and damn thats worse. Thinking that the whole time (the 28th of this month would have been 6 months) he was not really 'there'. And hindsight is definitely 20/20. In retrospect, I should have known in many of the little things. Like when I called and his best friend since the 6th grade (coulda been 8th grade not sure, but childhood friend nonetheless) moved in with him and I called. The guy had no clue at all who I was.. none. That alone should have spoken volumes, that and how his journal was filled with whole entries of other people hardly ever mentioning me. There is at least a billion things like that I could list. All of which come together and make me feel like shit. I have a feeling it is going to be a long week. |