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Accumulating and given rise. My stress level has reached a new all time high. Last night I couldn't sleep. I tried, but I tossed and turned and eventually gave up altogether. I thought about how the past 3 months has been a whirlwind of events. First Amy delivering Dana 10 weeks early. Then Dana suffering a grade 3 brain bleed, being air-lifted to a hospital 200 miles away. Starting a new term of school that same week and having to leave for almost a month. Leaving my other children here, worrying like mad over them while staying up at the Ronald McDonalds house. Steve ending up in the hospital along with the baby. All the problems with Amy and Jamie, all the babys medical problems, which are still in question regarding her brain etc. Learning to take care of a premature infant. My income taking a $200 per month hit, my rent going up. Steve being back in the hospital, finding out that Austin is autistic, Joan breaking her pelvis, Lisa and her roadblocks with school, my own troubles with my school, Byron and I breaking up, and Amy moving away. I gave myself a headache thinking about it all. I felt very alone this morning when I went to school. A strange kind of alone. The kind of alone that can only come from being tired of everything, done with it all. And when I got to campus I saw someone that normally I avoid. And he came up and said "I went and saw Steve last night" and I don't know why, but tears sprang to my eyes and I felt totally overwhelmed at that moment. He reached out to hug me, and normally I run like the wind when that happens but not today. No today I walked into his arms and just buried my face into his chest and cried. I didn't care who was around or what anyone thought, I didn't even mind when he kissed me on top of my head and I didn't even try to hold myself together. After a couple of minutes though I felt accutely aware of my surroundings and apologized profusely for crying etc. He walked me to class and let me know if I needed him, he would be in his office. And I was truly grateful for the human contact, touch and someone willing to just let me cry even for just a moment. Thankfully the only two people in class today were Crystal and I. Keil was really cool about it too. He didn't ask why I was upset but he decided after an hour of real classwork that we needed some stress relief. So he locked the door and pulled a table over out of the line of sight of the pane of glass, broke out a deck of cards and we played 3 way spades. Yeah it can be done, with some alterations (remove some cards from the deck).I couldn't believe we were playing cards! Oh yea and we picked up lunch at Checkers. I hadn't taken my insulin, which I should have done before school but bleh, I had a chicken sandwhich and just eliminated the bun. I picked Lisa up from school. She is being very quiet. I know she is feeling all the pressure too and then she also lost a good friend last week. The girl (17) was accidentally shot by her 14 yr old sister after finding a gun at their cousins house. The sister picked it up and it went off, killing her older sister instantly. Lisa doesn't want to talk about that either. I feel a sense of desparation when I think of what Lisa is feeling right now. I am trying to be close and near in case she decides she does want to talk about it or any of this other stuff. She decided she wanted to go wash the van, so that is where she is now. |