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Letting go sounds a lot easier then it is to do. There are moments in a persons life that are poignant. Moments that have their own atmosphere and ambivalence. These moments can change us, they make up a large portion of what we carry into the future with us. What opinions, what hurts, what celebrations we embrace. Today was full of these moments, that shall remain with me for a long long time. Mildred called me today, Jamie's mother. She wanted to talk to me herself, apologize for her actions over the past few months, give voice to her reasons etc. I listened to her, I tried to understand. In a way I felt very sorry for her. Jamie, was being hateful to her, telling her to shut the fuck up etc. I took the opportunity to explain my theory on why people get two sets of teeth in their lifetime. Which is because one set is optional, and I advised her that the next time he trends on that plane of the ultimate disrespect in calling his own mother names or telling her to shut the fuck up, to apply the back of her hand firmly, quickly to his mouth. I felt a surge of pride when this woman, told me about my daughters instant response to his behavoir.. she gasped and in genuine shock told him "That is your mother! Omg! Do you know what my mother would do if any of her children spoke to her that way? My god what are you thinking! She brought you into this world.." I did smile, knowing that something somewhere actually took in raising this child. Believe me I have had my doubts in the past, in the very least, at least she learned decent manners and respect. Mildred enlightened me to several games Jamie has been playing which included making up many a tale to her of things which he says I said, or Amy said, none of which were even remotely true. After some serious conversation we came to the conclusion that he is so jealous of losing the spotlight in her life, remember he is a momma's boy, albiet a disrespectful one, still one. We came to a mutual agreement that we would communicate directly between ourselves to avoid any future misgivings etc. Thusly, my arch enemy seems to have moved into a cautious aquaintance mode. Why do I not completely shed all past resentments and embrace this immense gesture on her behalf to be welcomed to her family? Because I am not confident that all is plausable and I am a born skeptic. In time, with evidence of this change bearing substance, I shall move forward more comfortably. I went and picked up Amy and took her to buy a coat. It is snowing there and she had nothing remotely warm. I also added gloves, jeans and tears to the shopping bonanza. I spent way too much money on these things, and I reasoned to myself that I would find some other way or something to eliminate from the budget to make up for it. In other words at that moment I was pure mom and my young needed something, therefore full speed ahead on meeting the need, the rest be damned for that moment. On our way back we stopped at the hospital so she could say goodbye to her father. It was very sad, watching them hug, cry, him wasting away in a hospital gown and her bawling her eyes out in a big huge coat. A fear welled up inside me. It was the same fear I had 18 years ago when I got in the car at the hospital to take her home for the first time. Only then, my questions were will I know how to take care of her?, will I be a good mother?, will she thrive? am I really able to raise a child? and tonight in a different hospital parking lot, 18 years later, preparing to say goodbye to my oldest child, my fear birthed these questions, did I take good enough care of her? was I a good enough mother? will she thrive? am I ready to let her go? I held the baby in my arms and let the image of her resting peacefully burn itself into my memory. I gave her at least 1,000 tiny kisses on her face and I inhaled her sweet scent. I felt this desparation rising up in me as I thought of all the things I would miss with her, not seeing her grow up. While I spent those moments saying farewell to the baby I have grown to love beyond words, Amy became hysterical crying. I gave the baby to her other grandma, the one who will be priveledged to see her grow up, who will make the magic in her little world, who will be the first one she thinks of when she hears the word Grandma. The only one she will remember. And my heart was breaking. I took Amy into my arms, and I held her close. I wiped her tears like I used to when she was a little girl. I encouraged her to do her very best to make a good life for herself and her child. I assured her that love transcends all measurements of distance and I would always love her. Then I left, I went home to the other 3 children who awaited comfort and support. Well all but Lisa actually. Lisa internalizes everything and had her defenses high. She was stotic and refused to show emotion, insisting that it is fine for her sister and neice to move 900 miles away. Suddenly Amy and Jamie were here, when they were supposed to be on the road already. Mildred made Jamie come to apologize to me for his behavior on Thanksgiving, for him lying to us both etc, and to let Amy say goodbye to her sisters and brother. It was an emotional scene with Heather clinging to Amy , both of them crying hard. Another moment I allowed to etch forever in the recesses of my mind. My childrens love for one another. And then they left. And I cried... and I cry.. and my heart hurts and this sensation of absolute helplessness overwhelms me. |