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strange feelings I am having a really weird night. The kids are all gone, Lisa is with Tara for the weekend. Heather is spending the night at a friends house and Joshua is at his fathers for the weekend. I am here by myself and I feel very nervous. Which is just not like me at all. I usually love having time alone and too myself. But tonight I don't and I don't know why. Maybe it is the fucking loose mouse? or the Spiders that are the size of small children that I have seen lately? Nah thats not it. I have been fighting a bout with depression lately. I hate the holiday times. Too much pressure for me! The crowds in the stores oooooog... that alone is enough to make a person homicidal.And why is it that holidays make people feel lonely? Isn't that strange.. the time of the year when families are supposed to get together and show their love and appreciation for one another is excatly when they usually show their asses and argue. Maybe it is because it is the closure of a year that is coming, makes folks reflect on their own lives and possibly shortcomings, mayhaps subconsciously the timer on life spans ticks just a bit louder. This is going to be my first holidays as a biological Grandmother. Sheesh... I am only in my 30's. Speaking of Grandparents, today would have been my Grandfathers 87th birthday if he were still alive. He was by far the greatest man I ever had the pleasure of knowing. That man stepped up and became like a Father to me , when my own chose not to be any longer. He had a great sense of humor, very dry. And he always had the right balance between interfering and not interfering with matters. He never said "I love you" , I never heard him say that to anyone including my Grandma. But! There was never any doubt. He made up for his lack of words every day with his actions, the way he lived his life. I miss him so much. I miss them both. Okay I am going to bed now. Maybe I am just tired. |