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Can't sleep....much rambling going on. I can't sleep. My mind refuses to cooperate with my body. It just won't shut down and let me enter the realm in which my body is begging to go. The harder I try to sleep the more alert I am becoming. ooog. I have class in just hours and I really need to be awake during it. I dread class.. cus I know I am going to be tired. Tink might be coming home on saturday. I'm really nervous about that. I remember one of the only times in my life when responsibility and committment scared the hell out of me. It was the day I took Amy home from the hospital after she was born. Up til that point I only had really myself to take care of and be completely responsible for. I was not near ready to be a mom and honestly, I don't even know that I really wanted to be one yet then. She was a suprise to me and planned by her father. I remember that day so clearly it was Aug. 31, 1985 about 11:30a.m when the nurse wheeled me and Amy out of the hospital and the idiot brought the car around for us. I didn't know how the whole car seat thing worked yet, so I just handed Amy to the idiot, who secured her in it. When the nurse turned to walk back inside, there was a rush of fear so strong that I started to cry and tremble. I had no clue what to do with this baby.. none. I didn't even know how to change her diapers. Honestly, that was one of the most challenging days of my life. The ride seemed to take forever and it was only about 15 minutes. The idiot didn't know why I was crying and I wouldn't talk so I was being completely unreasonable. I didn't know how to say "I don't think I can do this, is there some place we can drop her off for a few years please?" In retrospect, I should have asked that and hoped there was a place for her to go for the next 40 years.. ahh well. Luckily a year later when Lisa arrived, I had it all down pat and knew what I was doing and got a much better baby too. I know that sounds terrible to say, especially for a Mother to acknowledge that one of her children is bad, but Amy makes it hard for me to say anything really good about. So now my fear is that Amy will not take her responsibility in life as a Mother. I fear for the baby. Not for her safety, no, I don't believe they would intentionally hurt her. But lets face it they are not the brightest people on the planet, and even by their own redneck standards, fall short most days. I want my daughter to prove me wrong this time, I want her to finally do something that is right and good. I want her to grow fucking up and take care of Dana. I want her to stop being selfish and acting spoiled but rather to become nuturing and put her child first. I just do not have the confidence in her that she is capable of this, it really isn't something that just comes naturally to every woman. I don't want her to be like my mom. Dana is too fragile for her to make mistakes with or to fuck up. I guess that is what is weighing on my mind. I have to get the baby a bassinet or a crib by the weekend. I am really glad I cannot have any more children. Truly I am. Not that I would trade any of the ones I have, well, ok, maybe I would, but just that one. I just do not have the where with all left to start from the begining again. Friday is halloween and Lisa and I are taking Heather and Joshua out to trick or treat. Heather is borrowing scrubs from Alex and Alex is going to get Josh a hospital gown. They are going as Dr and patient. Which is pretty cool considering it will cost me zero dollars in costumes. Joshua made me laugh earlier, he put on a men's suit jacket (black in colour) and came out to the living room. He said "Hey Mom, look I can wear this and when people ask what I am I can say I am a Jehovah's Witness, so if they don't give me candy I am going to bore them to death!" It was so unexpected and it just struck me funny that my 11 year old son would even come up with that, I laughed til there were tears in my eyes. He had this mischievious expression on his face too. He grinned and went to take it off and suddenly I realized, that all of that was just for my benefit, to make me smile and laugh and my heart swelled with such love for him. He's still grounded though for coming in after dark yesterday, but I don't think that was an alterior motive, cus he never brought it up. I spoke with Cherie today. She called me rather upset. The hospital is threatening to make a report to social services about them (Cherie, Jeff, Nick and the new baby, Donavon) not having a place of their own, and have the baby put into foster care. She didn't mention any of Amys stupid ass drama that she created about Jeff calling me yesterday, which I was very glad she didn't feel the need to talk to me about it, cus it is embarrassing. I tried to help her find some sort of emergency housing, and let her know that if nothing else they could come here for a week. No longer then a week though as any guests longer then two weeks puts my lease at risk. So I figure I give them one, and if they had to stay an extra couple of days I am still okay. As much as I really want to help them out, I have to consider my family too. This is so funny. My next door neighbor is having an affair and everyone on the block knows this. She is so retarded. Her 'lover' pulls up every night between 1 a.m and 4 a.m and he beeps his horn once. Then a few minutes later she sneaks out of the house and goes off with him. When he brings her back he normally has music playing loud enough to wake the dead. But she thinks that she is being sneaky and no one notices this activity as it is afterall the middle of the night. She truly believes we don't note the horn or the music.. I bet she voted for Bush. (insert head shaking and chuckling here). I just want to say to her something like.. Umm Destiny, you know if your boyfriend would turn off his car lights when he parked and perhaps tapped on your window and kept his stereo off, you might stand a better chance of keeping your secret. In the very least keep some sense of privacy. But I figure this would escape her and possibly foil her feable attempts at her unmistakable future career as a spy. 1-4-3 Byron... Today was 5 months since we moved our relationship from friends to more then friends. I think couple-hood suits us well. Not only do I love him but my kids adore him too. Lisa even calls him Daddy sometimes too. Which is pretty cool considering she is old enough to make that decision and really felt that comfortable with him. Hell most the time she doesnt call her real father dad. In fact for years she has told people he is not her real father. Something I always found amusing. So I was a little suprised at first when she said "daddy" to Byron. Then ofcourse I had the panic attack about how Byron would feel about that, but he assured me that it was more then okay with him too. I am really glad that they get along so well. I think it would really suck to have someone in your life that either didnt like your kids or your kids didnt like. Then again what isnt there to like about Byron. Yep I am a little bias, but it's okay I like it that way! I think I am done rambling now and will attempt my last two hours before the day begins at trying to take a nap. |